OUTHOUSING
     by Hilma (Volcano) Volk

Fred had gone to the outhouse.
He'd been there for quite some time.
Now and then I heard a moan and groan,
And I knew that the moment was prime.

In these mountains of Montana
There are black and grizzly bear,
Coyotes, pumas, and wolverines;
Plus moose in rut can give a scare.

It was already dark, I dressed in black.
I took a stick and began to dig,
Making rootin' noises outside the door
While snortin' like a pig.

Then like a creature with sharp claws,
I scratched on the outhouse wood.
Not a sound was heard within.
I knew I was gettin' him good.

Then I shook that little building
With all the strength that I could muster.
Fred hollered, "Hey, get out of here."
I thought, 'This will fix you, Buster!'

For all the pranks Fred's played on me,
I was evenin' up the score.
I started banging on the walls.
My goodness, how he swore.

Then scratching most ferociously,
I let loose my fiercest growl.
I heard splats plopping in the depths,
Toilet paper rolling on the dowel.

'Scared the shit out of him', I thought
As I kind of let out a snicker.
I knew I'd given myself away.
He yelled, "Gal, if that ain't the kicker!"

He stormed from that one holer.
Oh, I feared his consternation.
"Gal, I'd be madder than heck,
But you cured my constipation."

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