When A Feller Oughta Keep Quiet 
by J.V. Donnant

Let me tell you 'bout a mountain lion a 'way out in th' west. 
When it come to killin' cows an' sheep, why, he must've been th' best. 
A reg'lar varmint legend of widespread renown, 
He was the scourge of ranchers for a'hunnerd miles around.

While passin' through a cattle ranch he killed hisself a bull, 
He ate an' ate, an' stuffed hisself until he was plumb full! 
Then to celebrate th' feast (or maybe cuz he was bored), 
That fat ol' mountain lion rared back and roared-an' roared an' roared!

Now all the caterwaulin' that th' mountain lion had done 
Caught the ear of a passin' cowboy, who pulled out his trusty gun. 
He took his aim--his shot was true--an' to that cat's su'prise, 
Th' cowboy shot hisself a lion! Smack between th' eyes!

So the moral to my story, with no "if" "and" or "but," 
Is when a feller's full o' bull, he'd best keep his mouth shut!

©2000 
J.V. Donnant
javadonut@usa.net

"Thats Country"! 
(by K.A.Hawley)

How am I doin...do you really want to know?
Well my wife and my dog left me 
my house and my pickup truck
burned to the ground 
someone stole my cowboy hat 
and I just lost my job 
as a rodeo clown

Now I can't even yodel 
I got these country boy blues 
and son there just ain't no fun left 
in this old cowboy's shoes!

I wonder was I born under a bad sign 
or was it in my stars? 
did I have too many beers 
in far too many bars

Or did I dance the two step 
too many times in a night 
did I carouse and laugh and sing 
did I flirt and fight?

Well...yes I did friends! 
and its a sorry tale 
of a sorry life 
where I lost my dog 
and I lost my wife 
and I lost my house 
and I lost my truck 
and when I lost my job 
boys it all turned to muck!

Still...it has a certain flavour! 
and it tastes just like a beer 
it smells just like a honky tonk 
and it rides like a buckin steer 
it looks like a painted lady 
on a dingy dance hall floor 
and it hurts just like a hurtin song 
the kind you're hurtin for!

So thats all there is friends 
I guess I got nothin more to say 
except...I just love bein a cowboy 
and YIP-E-I-O-KY-A!

kenny hawley intrigue@probemail.com

More Poems by Royce Koon

MY LAST EARLY BREAKFAST

Cock-A-Doodle-Doooo
I made a rooster stew!

     OFSERVANT REFLECTIONS

Just look upon     
my kitchen tile,        
so shiny bright  
you see a smile.
Then if you gaze
more closely still  
you'll see a maid     
and cleaning bill.                                                                                         

LOVE LETTERS                 

A.B.C.
Matrimony!
X.Y.Z.
Alimony$   
              

Royce Koon KHAZADDUM210@aol.com     

26 Signs You're Already a Grown-up

a.  Your potted plants stay alive.

b.  Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.

c.  You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

d.  6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

e.  You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

f.   You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

g.  Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

h.  You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

i.  Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'

j.  You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

k.  Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

l.   You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

n.  You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

o.  Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

p.  You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

q.   Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

r.   MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

s.   You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

t.   A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.

u.   You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

v.   Grocery lists are longer than macaroni cheese, diet Pepsi, & Ding Dongs.

w.   "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

x.   Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

y.   You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar

z.   You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Submitted by Dennis Steiner