Country-

The following is the most profitable poem I have ever written. It is now also the most useless because there is really no place I can use it (except here in my own newsletter).

In December, KREM TV of Spokane, Washington, held a contest requiring a poem or rap or song about KREM 2 News Early Morning. The prize was a season ski pass to Schweitzer Mt. (which is in Idaho. I live in Idaho, but get the TV from Spokane). The pass was valued at $600, except that everyone buys their season pass for about half that before the ski season.

Now I reckoned that this was something I could win, since I figured that most people who write poems are nerds that don't do winter sports, except for rapsters with snowboards. I really, really wanted that season pass but was too cheap to buy one.

So I checked my files and alas, I did not have a poem about KREM 2 News Early Morning. So I wrote one, sent it in, got worried that I might get beaten out by some rapper with a snowboard, wrote another, sent it in.

I won. Yippee! I don't know which one won. They said they like both of them, but I almost got beat out by a rapper with a snowboard. This is the second one I sent. I read the first one on KREM 2 News Early Morning, the Friday before Christmas. As far as I can tell, nobody was watching.

In case you get to wondering, I do not own a parrot. But every night this obnoxious raven raps on my window, squawking, "Nevermore."


		THE PARROT
		  by Hilma (Volcano) Volk

Once upon a morning dreary as I woke up tired and weary
To the dreaded alarm clock ringing, I promptly hit the snooze.
Then as I resumed to my napping, suddenly there came a clapping,
As of massive bird wings flapping, flapping wings of Curlicues
Who swooped down upon the remote - - my big macaw named Curlicues.
		     Then he turned on KREM 2 News.

Eyeballs groggy inside my head, still not stirring from my bed,
"What's the weather like?" I said.  "Which clothes am I to choose?
"Is there fog or is it snowing?  How is the traffic flowing?
"What's the thermometer showing?  Tell me wise one, Curlicues - -
"You seem to know and see all things; tell me wise one, Curlicues."
	Quoth the parrot, "KREM 2 News!"

"And what has happened overnight?  What were the wrongs, what went right?
"How's the Presidential fight, latest City Council spews?
"Were there more robbers on the prowl?  What was fair, what was fowl?
"Now come on bird, unlock your jowl, can't you give me any clues.
"I have to act informed at work, can't you give me any clues."
	Quoth the parrot, "KREM 2 News!"

"Do I hear voices in my trance?  Gee that sounds like Robyn Nance.
"She can't be here, no not a chance."  The automated coffee brews.
"Was that Issa Arnita's laugh?  Tell me bird, on my behalf,
"I think I hear the whole news staff."  My mind is easy to confuse.
"What are they doing in my house?  My mind is easy to confuse."
	Quoth the parrot, "KREM 2 News!"

So out of bed I go stumbling, all the while, mumbling, grumbling,
Then with the toothbrush fumbling.  That face in the mirror is whose?
"Any news on Patrick Ewing?  Scams brewing?  Who is suing?
"What is the stock market doing?  Give me something I can use.
"Are gas prices on the rise?  Give me info I can use."
	"Just shut up and watch the News"

Awakened to reality - - There they were on my TV.
Telling about society and of the latest issues.
How can they be so cheery, on this morning cold and dreary?
Perhaps they would have a theory to help with these winter blues.
Perhaps a play or a movie to help with these winter blues.
	It's all there on KREM 2 News !!	

Curlicues chats on the phone, happy to be left alone
Ignoring me, I don't bemoan; the bird he has paid his dues.
KREM 2 News Early Morning, oh my life they are adorning,
But to the bird I give a warning, "Please stop crapping in my shoes.
"Katie Baker doesn't peck my head; she doesn't crap in my shoes.
	"I'm growing fond of KREM 2 News.
	"You could be replaced by KREM 2 News."
	Quoth the parrot, "You amuse."

Joke

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage, and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:
"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:
"What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Good judgement comes from experience.
Experience comes from bad judgement.

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