Country-Fried BULL
Jokes
Submitted by Jeff Carroll and Others, origin ??
At a military base, the mascot (named JoJo) died. Two privates were commissioned to dig the hole to bury him. The two privates got to discussing whether JoJo was properly called a burro or a donkey. They couldn't agree.
Soon the Chaplain came by. So they asked him if JoJo had been a burro or a donkey. The Chaplain replied, "According to the bible, it's an ass."
By and by a man walked by and asked, "You boys digging a foxhole?"
To which one of the privates replied, "Not according to the Bible."
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay
for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money
from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work." The next morning the
barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber
refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good
man, you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen
doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber
refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good
man, you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a
dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
|
1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
2. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
3. Two rules for life: (1) Don't tell people everything you know. (2)
4. I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents
cheeted.
5. Did ancient Roman doctors refer to IV's as fours?
6. Now I know why they call them trial lawyers. I tried one and I didn't
like him.
7. Why get even when you can get odd?
8. They say if you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat down your
door. But usually it's just one neighbor, and he'll probably quit once you
stop throwing dead mice in his yard.
9. Want to trace your family tree? Run for public office or win the
sweepstakes.
10. A fool and his money are soon partying.
11. How come you never hear about GRUNTLED employees?
12. I went to a strip mall the other day. Let me tell you, I was
disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes.
13. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
14. There are two kinds of jokes - the ones people laugh at, and the ones
where people say, "That's funny."
15. You say "tomato," I say "tomato.com."
16. The reason that men pay for dates is because women have to pay for the
wedding.
17. I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive. She thinks
she got me with her long-range rifle.
18. Just because it's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty.
19. Why isn't there an explosion when you pour gasoline on fire ants?
20. Never let your willpower get the best of you.
21. I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard until I realized I
was strangling an ostrich.
22. There are three types of people: those who can count and those who
can't.
from Jeff Carol..............
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping
across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the
rabbit, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulled over to
the side of the road and got out to see what had become of
the rabbit. The
rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to
cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the
side of the road
and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the
man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this
rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to
her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. Then she walked
over to the limp,
dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the
rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its
paw at the two humans and hopped
down the road.
Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at
the two again,
hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and
hopped another 50
feet, etc.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what
substance could be in
the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and
demanded, "What was in
your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read
the label.
It said: "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds
Permanent Wave."
What he really means...
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream
with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and
has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender,
gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no
chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog
drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is
no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl
I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your
purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest
pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough
so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."
Brand New! Online Horse
Community: Auction - Buy - Sell
Horses, Tack, Trailers, Clothing, Gifts,
Antiques, and. Informative
articles, horse news... Books, videos, cowboy
poetry, classifieds, real estate, horse related
employment... More.... FREE
Membership.
Click Here
|
