Country-Fried BULL
Jokes

"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God. The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?" And God said, "A minute."

Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million dollars to you?" And God said: "A penny."

The man asked: "God.....can I have a penny?" And God said: "Sure... .....In a minute."

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"

The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

The doc was concerned. You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"

"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's with came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"He what?" she cried.

"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!

A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail.

Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"

A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

"Who is it?"

"It's the Lord"

"Can you help me?"

"Yes, I can help."

"Help me!"

"Let go."

Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"

"Let go. I will catch you."

"Is anybody else up there?"

FOREIGN LANGUAGE CONTEST

The following are some of the winners in a New York Magazine contest in which the rules were take ANY well-known phrase in ANY foreign language, change JUST ONE SINGLE LETTER, and then provide a definition for the new expression:

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?

IDIOS AMIGOS.
We are two wild and crazy guys from south of the border.

COGITO, EGGO SUM.
I think, therefore I am a waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS.
The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID.
Honk if you're Scottish.

QUE SERA SERF.
Life is feudal.

LE ROI EST MORT, JIVE LE ROI.
The king is dead. No kidding.

POSH MORTEM.
Death styles of the rich and famous.

VENI, VIPI, VICI.
I came, I'm a very important person. I conquered.

PRO BOZO PUBLICO.
Support your local clown.

MONAGE A TROIS.
I am three years old.

FELIX NAVIDAD.
Our cat has a boat.

HASTE CUISINE.
Fast French food.

VENI, VIDI, VICE.
I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO.
A fast retort.

ALOHA OY.
Love; greetings, farewell: from such a pain you should never know.

MAZEL TON.
Tons of good luck.

APRES MOE LE DELUGE.
Curly and Larry got wet.

PORT-KOCHERE.
Sacramental wine.

Not entered in the orginal contest but added somewhere along the line:

SAVOIR FAIRY:
That moment when you realize the Tooth Fairy is your dad.

DE FICTO:
We made that up.

DE FARTO:
Everyone's getting off the elevator at the next floor.

LAISSEZ CAIRE:
Exiting Egypt.

CINCO DE MANO:
I have five fingers.

SOUP D'ETAT:
Heck, if we have a national "song", why not?

These Should Be Murphy's Laws

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Boob's Law"
You always find something in the last place you look.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

A Bad Day

A man was sitting in a bar just staring at his drink. He stayed that way for at least half an hour.

About that time, a big mean-looking truck driver stepped up next to him and drank the drink he was staring at.

The poor man started crying.

The truck driver said, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll pay for another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that," the fellow replied. "It's just that this day is the worst one of my life. First, I overslept, and so I got to my office late. My boss was outraged, and he fired me. I left the building, went to my car, and found that it was stolen. The police told me that they couldn't do anything.

I caught a cab to return home, and after I got out of it, I remembered that I had left my wallet and credit cards on the seat. The cab driver had just driven away. I went into my home, and I found my wife in bed with the gardener.

So I left home again, and I came to this bar. I was thinking about killing myself, but then you showed up and drank my poison. It's been a really bad day."

REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

"Hi. Now you say something."

(Japanese message) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."