Jokes Page

There are two theories for livin' with women (or men)....neither works.
-Submitted by Larry Glenn

________________________________________________

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.
-Rodney Dangerfield

________________________________________________

The poor film editor for the fishing shows. This guy has to watch all the footage that just wasn't exciting enough to make it to the final product.
- Brian Regan

________________________________________________

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven and said, "You've been such exemplary statues, that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the two statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue an said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

Jokes from http://www3.sympatico.ca/mikedc/Laugh.htm The PigPen

CORNY JOKES Why do cowboys always die with their boots on? So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket. Why did the pig cross the road? It was the chicken's day off. If there are five flies in the kitchen, which one is the cowboy? The one on the range. How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum? Two, one to eat it and one to watch for cars. What's this: x x x ? Three rednecks co-signing a loan... A man walked into a bar with his grizzly bear and asked the bartender, "Do you serve politicians here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a politician for my bear." What's the difference between an honest lawyer and Bigfoot? There have been sightings of Bigfoot. What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road and a lawyer run over on the road? You see skid marks in front of the skunk.	Standup Comedy on DVD Standup Comedy on VHS

CORNY JOKES

Why do cowboys always die with their boots on?

So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.

Why did the pig cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off.

If there are five flies in the kitchen, which one is the cowboy?

The one on the range.

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?

Two, one to eat it and one to watch for cars.

What's this: x x x ?

Three rednecks co-signing a loan...

A man walked into a bar with his grizzly bear and asked the bartender, "Do you serve politicians here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a politician for my bear."

What's the difference between an honest lawyer and Bigfoot?

There have been sightings of Bigfoot.

What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road and a lawyer run over on the road?

You see skid marks in front of the skunk.

Standup Comedy
on DVD

Standup Comedy
on VHS

BLONDE JOKES A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?" Sumitted by Douglas Sharp A Blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so she is over come with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next." Three blondes walk down the beach and find this beautiful bottle. They pick it up and rub it and POOF, a genie pops out. The genie bows and thanks them for freeing him. In return he has the power to grant three wishes. But since there are three of them he can grant them each one wish. The first blonde ponders and says, "I'm tired of all the jokes, I want to be a brunette." POOF, she becomes a brunette. The second blonde says, "I like the way I look, but I hate being teased. I want to be 50 percent smarter." POOF, she is 50 percent smarter. The third blonde says, "You know, I like all the attention. I want to become 50 percent dumber. The geine gasps, "No, you don't want that!" The third blonde replies, "Yes I do, make me 50 percent dumber." And POOF, she became a man.	Joke Books

BLONDE JOKES

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Sumitted by Douglas Sharp

A Blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so she is over come with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

Three blondes walk down the beach and find this beautiful bottle. They pick it up and rub it and POOF, a genie pops out. The genie bows and thanks them for freeing him. In return he has the power to grant three wishes. But since there are three of them he can grant them each one wish.

The first blonde ponders and says, "I'm tired of all the jokes, I want to be a brunette." POOF, she becomes a brunette.

The second blonde says, "I like the way I look, but I hate being teased. I want to be 50 percent smarter." POOF, she is 50 percent smarter.

The third blonde says, "You know, I like all the attention. I want to become 50 percent dumber.

The geine gasps, "No, you don't want that!"

The third blonde replies, "Yes I do, make me 50 percent dumber." And POOF, she became a man.

Joke Books

Speaking of Genies....

Three men: rancher and two of his top hands are in Portland, Oregon for a cattleman's meeting. Their ranch is in dry central Oregon and the two hands had never seen anything but desert. They are highly impressed by the lush vegetation.

Since they have a half day to kill before the meeting, the rancher drives them out to see the ocean. Walking on the beach they stumble upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The first top hand says "I had no idea the ocean could be so beautiful. This must be nothing compared to Hawaii. I want to live on a lush tropical island where I never have to mend another fence or suffer in the hot dry sun or the cold blizzards of winter." The genie grants him his wish and sends him on off to Hawaii.

The second top hand is next. "I like ranches, but I'm tired of working so hard. I want to spend my life owning my own big ranch, with men under me to do all the work, with no money worries, lush green grass, and a beautiful woman who worships me." The genie grans him his wish and sends him off to his own paradise.

Last, but not least, it is the rancher's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asks the genie. The rancher replies, "I want them both back at my ranch tomorrow."

______________________________________________

More Jokes

Country-Fried Bull All Jokes Page

BLONDE JOKES

Country-Fried Bull
All Jokes Page